tomorrow morning..tonight..

the snacks are for tomorrow morning...we'll be eating the bananas while making eye-contact (get it?)

tomorrow morning is a, "long time in the making" kind of day.
I've been waiting a very very very very long time to say that.
When D was first diagnosed, there were moments in which I had to force myself to see into a future where he might have not been there. Those were by far, my darkest moments that no parent should ever have to go through. Trinity always says that funerals are always for the living..I didn't want to go to my kids funeral. Instead, our family has had to stand by and watch other families endure what we knew was always a possibility.
Looking back on this blog, the past few years, the past few days...not saying anything...and certainly not blogging is a very good thing.
I have nothing to say, nothing I feel the need to document..aside from the ever growing number of pictures on my phone. The past few months especially, I have been simply living in the moment.
Our family is that of four instead of three, and there is never ever a dull moment. The fact that whether the baby's diaper has leaked is my main concern, is a testament to where my worries lie at the moment.  At the moment, I'm not worried about the cancer, about his blood counts, about his future, about his health. At the moment, what worries me most is whether or not he finished the carrots on his plate.
There is so much beauty in worrying about carrots instead of worrying about whether or not he'll be hospitalized next week.
Tomorrow, is the day I've been waiting for since November 9, 2007 (the day D got his port). I knew he would finish chemotherapy long before the port ever came out (if it ever did). Tomorrow, the port comes out. Though this port has saved time, effort, and spared his pain, it has also always been the reminder I needed to know a tiny infection was all it took.
We've been trying to prepare him for what's to come tomorrow. He has called it his 'button' since the beginning, "tomorrow your 'button' is coming out. they're going to put you to sleep and when you wake up, it will be gone."
"And then they'll touch my button?"
"Nope, it won't be there anymore."
"What?"
He doesn't understand that it doesn't have to be there anymore. That tiny lump in his chest, is what he knows. We will be there, we remember, we are the only testament to his strength and courage he will ever need to be the biggest badass possible. I've asked to have said 'button' after the procedure to remove it. Weird, maybe, but he didn't carry that bugger around with him for nearly four years and not at least get to ever see it. He will someday understand and when that someday comes, I hope to show him; to tell him everything.
Rest assured, that our friends, our family, and our faith is what we believe in...and though I'm nervous and anxious for tomorrow, there's nothing like a few facebook 'likes' and comments to lift my spirits. By my side will be my ever loving, dark-humored, sarcastic and amazing partner. Tonight..I hope to maybe sleep..a waffle,two glasses of wine, and a cup of tea should do the trick right?
Thank you and thank you and thank you. All my Love.